The afternoon winter sky is flat and dismal, its grayness filling up every room of the house with a weight I can't seem to lift off today
and the sun don't shine anymore
There's chicken soup bubbling on the stove top in a churning brew of colors - orange carrot chunks and white parsnips, pale rounds of onion and green leaves of parsley all wilting in the heat. In an hour or so I'll mix up soft dumplings and drop them into the steaming broth, spoonful by spoonful, watch them sink and rise, sink and rise. Comfort.
and the rains fall down on my door
Running Sunday errands for coffee beans and bottled beer, the NY Times and fresh baked bread, I hear that the beloved Congregational church nearby has burned to the ground this morning. Driving home, I watch the horizon for drifts of smoke. If there, I can't tell them apart from the rest of the sky.
and the clouds so never hung so low before
This long weekend was once filled with the arrangement of unseasonable flowers, the blowing out of birthday candles and their ensuing wishes. What did you wish for all those years, mom? More years, I'll bet.
and the dawn don't rescue me no more
Me, I wish for a "time out" card I can't produce. I wish to find an unfading flower, an undying truth, an idea whose time doesn't come but always has been and always will be. I wish for faith that doesn't burn down with the church, and for love that won't decay with the heart.
and I never felt so alone before
I send my intention out — a breath, a swirl of steam, a puff of smoke. I keep my eyes on the gray horizon.
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10 comments:
sorry...these feelings are so real...sending you a piece of my heart...on a string
Tears in Toulouse. Dearest Mlle Jolicoeur, your Mom is not separate from you. Remember your last post... My words of comfort will be of but little consolation. But my prayers go out to you anyway
so moving M. to go through a birthday anniversary after someone has died is so hard. i'm sorry you feel so glum and sad, however i must say, and isnt this the power of art? that your post is so well written and put together, so subtle, it is almost a poem. and that you can write like this when you feel so down, that is your own self-generated blessing and "rescue." not to mention at the same time gift to us.
Some days it is just so hard to get out of bed. I know you feel like just pulling the covers over your head on these days but you have done just the opposite, like Sukipoet says. You are resilient and full of art and He[art]. Incredible! They say that time heals all wounds. I know this to be true. This is a time of introspection, of feeling deeply, of sorting out. Give in to the comfort of your home and don't feel bad if you just "do nothing". You deserve it !
This post is so real and true, and I am thinking of you, sending my own wishes out to you for strength and solace. January and February are wretched months for me. Nearly everyone I've loved and lost has died in these two months. Last week I attended another funeral for my sister's mother-in-law, who died on my sister and her husband's anniversary, January 7th. The irony here is that my sister got married in January to bring a spot of joy to a month that has always been sad for our family. I felt sad for them about their anniversary until my brother-in-law said at the gathering after the visiting hours that he was glad she chose that day to let go (she'd suffered from Alzheimer's for 7 years) because it gave them such a strong link to her. He's usually a man of few words who doesn't show his emotions much, but he had us all in tears that felt surprisingly good.
Sorry I rambled, my friend, but you have filled my heart, and I wanted to let you know that. Sending you much love and hope.
All best,
Gigi
Sorry that you're feeling down. Hopefully writing about it can help lift some of the burden.
m, just keep breathing, feeling, noticing, remembering...it's all part of grief.
and it's a testament to the love you shared with your mom, this depth that you're in.
you have to be in it to get through it.
all of us here are with you in spirit. truly.
These sorts of days are a lot easier in the warmer months, when one can go for a walk in the woods, a very long.... endless... all day.... walk in the woods.......
Glad your Monday was better M.
tears when i read about the birthday.
i wish you had more time with her too.
i love how much you loved her.
when i come here i always remember you writing about how you emailed with her everyday and spoke on the phone once a week (at least). that is precious and i don't think common for mothers and daughters in adulthood. i can just imagine that empty place, in your email, on the phone. it seems so unreal i bet, to have someone and love them and be loved by them in that onliest way for so long.
i'm so sorry.
i'm glad you had soup and dumplings.
...thinking of you and hoping the sun is shining a little bit more today...
xo
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